Dave was walking in a field one day when his foot slipped into a hole. He pulled it out and started walking only to find his foot slipped into a second hole. He pulled it out and walking a little less perfectly found himself stepping into yet a third hole. "Well, well, well," thought Dave, and he continued on.
Dave's days of being the picked upon, four eyed bookworm were over, as he bit the nitroglycerin tablet and continued up the stairs of the old folks home.
"My leg she is much fractured," said Dave in broken English.
Dave won another poker hand, and as he plucked his final pigeon Myra waited to cook it.
Dave looked a Myra and said "Honest the sheep mean nothing to me."
"I know I can sell them on this site," thought Dave. But as confident as Dave was he could see both JW Marriott and Chief Thundercloud had reservations about his plans.
Putting down his book on Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Dave looked down from the Verrazano Narrows Bridge and thought. "Gee the water gets significantly wider over there."
The dark can be scary when you're young, and alone, and naked and watching "Waterworld."
Myra hesitated, she thought "arguing is no match for propriety, emotion should not sway to good judgment, and proof is not needed when the simple truth is told. Precision is the essence. "Now," she thought on "Where can I precisely wrap this guitar string around his throat so it will leave no marks."
"You make me sick," said Myra as she threw the HIV infected needle into the garbage.
Myra slammed the door and walked out of his life forever. Dave looked on as tears formed in his eyes. He soon was bawling like a baby then he realized before she left Myra had been peeling onions.
It's been three days since he had eaten. "What a tasty little morsel thought Godzilla staring at downtown Bakersfield."
Dave and Myra dined at an elegant restaurant. Suddenly Myra felt sick to her stomach she rushed to the ladies room, flung open the stall and let out a HUGE sigh of relief.
Dave watch the four horsemen of the apocalypse charge forth as fire and brimstone burned all around him. He sat down at the table, seeing no food; he wondered what excuse Myra would have this time as why dinner was late again.
Tried of hearing it cry, Myra walked over to calm her new born baby all the time wondering, "just how did this happen?"
Ambling throughout the store with an awkward gait to his legs and a jerky motion, Dave walked up to the store manager demanding to know when the next shipment of Charmin was due in.
As Dave regained strength and plucked the bullet from his heart and rolled it between his thumb and forefinger, his wife Myra couldn't help but wonder if he used to pick his nose as a kid.
"Totally grody to the max," said Myra as Dave snapped, grabbed a spoon and physically, you know like, totally gagged her with it.
It was not luck, but hard work and determination, staying up late night studying at university but it paid off. Dave was now the assistant manager at Peoria's THIRD largest shoe store.
The whale rammed the ship. The ship tossed, the sea raged as waves poured over the bow. What a great novel this would make thought Captain Dave, "Too bad I won't live to read it."
Myra turned the wedding band LEFT with her RIGHT hand, as she looked UP and said a prayer for her marriage, which, like the wedding band, had just gone DOWN the drain.
Myra was a very successful psychiatrist. Dave wasn't satisfied and withheld payment. Even after Myra explained to him that psychiatry was an exact science. "An exact science?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "Pay up or I'll kick you exactly in your penis."
After a long breathless kiss Dave pulled away from Myra's lips as his nostrils flared from lack of oxygen. He looked into her beautiful blue eyes, heart shaped face with angelic expression and said "Can you make me that burger now."
Myra could've won the bet. She could've eaten the rat and washed it down with Diet Coke. But she knew it was wrong to consume hairy proteins along with artificial sweeteners
Looking at his wife Myra bleeding profusely on the beach after a shark attack, Dave couldn't help but wonder what in the world ever possesed Myra to go and attack that shark.
What's that gasping noise? asked Agnes
"It's my hope chest," said Myra
"What's it for?" replied Agnes
"Oh to save little things you'll need to get married," answered Myra
"What's in yours?" asked Agnes
"Dave" replied Myra.
You don't think I'm gonna eat that cookie after it fell in the mud do you? There is such a thing as being sanitary," Myra raged on, "If you think for one minute..."
"It was the last cookie in the box," said Dave interrupting her rant.
"Well a little dirt never killed anyone," said Myra dusting the cookie off and putting it in her mouth.
Myra always started the day off with a smile. That way she could get it over with.
Myra was not pleased, she just started a new job as head librarian in a conservative town. When she arrived at her new job, "Little Men," was lying on top of "Little Women," and sure enough right next to them was a little phamlet
Dave came home from his revival meeting screaming he had just found God, which puzzled those of us who never realized he was lost.
Myra was excited to have Dave take the "Good Husband Test." It consisted of three parts; one, to see if you're husband was indifferent; two, to see if he was unfaithful and three to see if he was alive.
Just having had his dearly departed wife Myra cremated, Dave cried not only at his loss, but it was the first time he ever saw Myra looking hot.
Dave was horrified after just witnessing a robbery, he told his wife Myra how the man being robbed was shot in the head 10 times. "Wow," said Myra, "that's a lot of times to be shot in the head."
"Yes I know you want to get married," said Myra to her sister Agnes, "But you can't be so picky, after all you'll only be 35 for a few more years."
"You're a nothing," said Myra
"You're nothing," replied Dave
"You're nothing," she yelled again
"You're nothing," he said
So deep into the night, Dave and Myra continued to argue about nothing.
Dave was as romantic as the next but he drew the line at kissing in a parked car. Dave realized that not all couples necked in cars, heck the woods are full of them.
Dave and Myra were very proud of their baby, how handsome he was and how intellegent. Without fail, everytime he was put into the maze he found the bottle.
Myra was excited, she was sure she was about to land a new job, all she needed was a reference. She asked Dave, saying she'd pay him $10.00 if he gave her a good reference.
"Oh please," said Dave, "I'll say you're good for nothing."
"It's not that I don't like Dave, said Myra, "it's just I don't associate with certain people."
"So you like Dave?" Questioned Agnes.
"No," replied Myra "I'm not certain he's a person"
"I'm sick," said Myra "I'm at death's door."
"So call the doctor" said Dave, "He'll pull you through."
Compared to my mother, Myra's three women," said Dave, about his wife. "Whenever I try to sneak out, she's at the front door, the back door, and under the bedroom window all at the same time."
"I am not fat," said Myra to Dave, "And besides, my stomach is my business."
"Well you've got a very big business," replied Dave
"My ex-boyfriend could buy and sell you," Said Myra to her husband Dave. "Well" she added "he probably couldn't sell you, but he could try."
"What are you doing?" asked Myra as she saw Dave just staring at the change machine. "Well I put a dollar in it," he answered, "and now I'm waiting for it to change."
"No, absolutely NOT," yelled Agnes at her sister Myra. "I wouldn't kill your husband for $10,000. Why after I got done paying the taxes on it, it would barely be five grand."
"But I guess, I shouldn't talk about him like that," said Myra
"Yes," said Dave, "You shouldn't say anything about the dead unless you can say something good."
"Well," said Myra "He's dead, GOOD"
"I really enjoy spending time with you," said Myra.
"Do you really?" Asked Dave
"Yes, I do," replied Myra, "I find it so romantic eating over your sink."
"What a remarkable psychic," said Myra. "He didn't have tea leaves so he read my coffee grounds. Of course I had to drink twelve cups of coffee to get enough grounds for a reading, but it was worth it. He told me I'd have a restless night and I did."
Dave was worried, he just couldn't remember the incident, and no matter how much he tried he couldn't remember. Was it the accident? Was it amnesia? Or was it the fact he was three years old at the time.
Thousand of miles away from home, Dave was alone in hotel room, unknown to anyone in the big city. And as he stared at the bustling lights of the city he couldn't help but wonder why he still was wearing pants.
Coming back from her sister's wedding, an old maid who finally got married Myra was not happy with Dave.
"I couldn't believe what you did?" Said Myra, "When the groom said 'I do,' I couldn't believe you stood up on the pew and yelled hooray. I was so embarrassed I stopped applauding."
Dave was born a sick child. His mother hated him. After he was born his mother put him in an incubator and turned off the heat.
"Did you enjoy the new pool?" Asked Dave
"It was so much fun," said Myra "We were diving and doing back flips. We're going back tomorrow and I bet we'll have even more fun when they put the water in."
"Why do you put two roasts in the oven?" Asked Dave.
"I put in a big roast and a little roast," answered Myra. "And when the little roast gets all burned up I know the big roast is done."
Dave was telling Myra about his uncle who had a knife-throwing act with his wife. He was one of the most famous knife throwers in America, until one day he showed up for work drunk. "What happened," asked Myra? "Oh he got married again," said Dave.
"So how'd you date go?" asked Myra
"Oh just awful," said her sister Agnes, "I asked Sam to come over for dinner, and I thought I'd make the room more cozy, so I dimmed the lights and locked the door and windows."
"Then what?" asked Myra?
"I spent the rest of the evening sweeping up broken window glass," replied Agnes with a sigh.
Looking at his breakfast Dave could see it was leftovers from last night's dinner.
"I am not eating your lousy leftovers for breakfast," said Dave.
"Well I'm not wasting good food," said Myra.
"Then give it to the cat" said Dave.
"You hate that cat, don't you" said Myra.
Although Dave was captain of the football team he saw no reason why that should prevent him from wearing his sister's bra.
Dave and Sam were Siamese twins joined at the head; they couldn't wait to go on their first roller coaster ride.
Farmer Dave nudged his wife, Myra to turn over, so she'd stop snoring. He then sat up in bed and wondered why there were hogs in the bedroom.
Myra was beautiful woman with a naturally sweet disposition. She had naturally white smile, naturally smooth skin and all this topped with a naturally piercing blue eyes. She also had blonde hair.
Dave and Myra's romantic evening of cuddling up on the couch and watching a romantic love story was interrupted by the sound of Dave's gerbil running on his wheel. Dave turned to Myra and explained. "What can you say about a 25 year old gerbil that has yet to die?
Dave was ashamed as he looked at his wife Myra and said, "You should've told me your mother was easier to make than toast."
Dave described his wife Myra, as a charming, beautiful woman of 25. "She's been charming, since the first day I met her," he said. "She's been beautiful since the first day I met her, she's been 25 since the first day I met her.
Myra and her mother in law weren't exactly friends and somehow they each knew it. "I know you don't like me" said Myra's mother-in-law, I know exactly what you're thinking." "That's not true," replied Myra, "I'm thinking words you couldn't possibly know."
Dave met up with some bad people. He was confused; while he was sure the gun pointed at him was empty he couldn't understand why he had a headache and where the blood on his face came from.
Dave lost everything in the stock market. One night as he sat in his one room shanty down by the railroad tracks, in a place called hobo town, he heard a knock on the door. And thought to himself, "Why that's a bum rap if I ever heard one."
Step, drag, step, step, drag, step, drag, drag, step, step, drag, despite massive pain shooting through his leg Dave held his face high, after all he was a Kennedy.
Bringing his cat to the Florida Keys, Dave awoke to a loud screeching meow and realized it gave new meaning to the phrase tropical heat.
One day while discussing death Dave lamented...I want to go dignified and peaceful dying in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Dave had it all, money, power, fame, talent and good looks, as the crowd below him sung his praises and his adoring public looked on he knew he could never have what he needed; a prescription for Viagra.
Dave a high school senior wanted to so badly to win a letter, to impress his girl Myra. He went out for the shot put. "I bet I can catch more of those than anyone else," he said.
Arrested for the murder of his wife, Myra, whose body was found bloody and hacked into pieces, Dave protested his innocence by saying, "Ah Myra's been depressed lately."
Myra was a good girl. She was so happy when she moved into her first apartment. She proudly showed it off to her mother who wondered why a good Catholic girl has a double bed.
Dave was very sad. At an early age his mother had told him he wasn't her favourite child and for some reason he took this to heart.
Dave stepped back and looked at the house, he had just painted a beautiful eggshell white. It looked as beautiful as he first remembered, except this time without the bloodstains.
The whole family, Dave, his mother and father all got an eerie feeling at once. Mother stood in front of the salon wondering is she should cut her hair. Father stood on the front lawn wondering if he should he should cut the grass. All the while, in 1000 miles away in Tampa, Dave stood in the front of the bathtub wondering if he should cut his wrists.
Dave bemoaned the fact that the ritual slaughter of the gophers always seemed to take place on the hottest day of the year.
Dave had it all at age 38 he had money, power good looks, but lacked the knowledge that at age 38 one had a car not wheels.
"Ah fuck," said the bride who up until that point had seemed rather happy.
Bunny Malone was sour face cop with a disposition like two-week-old forgotten milk and he knew it. He also knew Bunny was just his nickname and he cursed his mother for not telling him his real name before she died.
"Take your damn hands off my breasts," tittered Myra.
Myra woke up from her nice warm bed, made herself a nice hot cup of coffee, and as she walked up to her nice shiny new Cadillac said "What a nice day."
How could Dave know Myra would bear him ten sons? And each son would grow up to marry a very poor woman who would also, gave birth to sons they too never fathered.
Much to the chagrin of his wife Myra, Dave remembered the young beauty from the school carnival's kissing booth. The time she couldn't change a twenty, so he had to use it all up.
Dave divorced Myra, what else could he do, after Myra threw a party downstairs. Especially since Dave was the name of the party she threw down the stairs.
"It happened so fast," said Myra to the paramedic, "he just leaped right out of the tiger pit and dragged my husband Dave in. Poor thing must've been half starved."
Dave often wondered if their was an afterlife. But either way he decided to take along a change of underwear just in case.
At 3 O'Clock in the morning after 4 hours of listening to his wife Myra complain to him, Dave realized he may not know what love is, but at that moment it was keeping him from killing Myra.
Looking back at their 50 years of marriage Dave and Myra reflected on the times.
"My it was fun to go out and do things, like Roller Skating."
"Yes," replied Dave, "now, just to get out of bed, I have to keep my joints well oiled."
"And remember all the joints we got oiled in, that was fun too," added Myra.
"Now I'll think of a number between 1 and a million and you and I will guess. The one who comes closest wins," said Dave. "Six," said Myra. "Darn you win again," said Dave.
"Dave," said Myra to her mother, "Of course you know Dave, he's the one I married anyway."
"With the new panties and pantyhose all in one," said the saleslady, "You'll look like you're not wearing any underwear." "Why would I want to look like I'm not wearing underwear," replied Myra.
"He kissed me and asked me the question," said Agnes
"What question was that?," asked Myra
"You know," said Agnes blushing, "the question your husband asked you."
"Oh," said Myra, "and did you lend him the money?"
After she used the expression "Heads will roll" Myra looked rather uneasily at Dave, who explained to her, that in his experience the head never rolled.
Dave loved his wife Myra dearly and was sure that if he met her earlier she'd have given him the best years of her life.
Eager to land a man Myra couldn't wait to go on her vacation to San Francisco. Not only did the travel brochure say there were 325,000 single men in San Francisco, but it also said 99% of them were happy.
"This is my musician friend Sam," said Dave, introducing him to Myra and Agnes
"This is my sister Agnes, said Myra, introducing her to Sam. She really loves musicians, or any other kind of man."
"I love you," said Myra, to Dave "And I'd love you just as much, even if you only looked like Brad Pitt."
"Oh the mud pack will do you a world of good," said Myra
"You think so?" Replied her sister Agnes
"Oh yes" continued Myra, "I remember one time the dog dragged mud all over the carpet and after it dried, I vacuumed it up and it looked much better.
Myra didn't know what was worse, the fact that the best years of her life were behind her or the fact she spent them with Dave.
Tired of her screaming at him, Dave dumped ice cream all over Myra's head. He figured it would put her in a good humour
You've spent every night for the last month at Starbucks," yelled Myra at Dave. "I ought to divorce you."
"Well you'd certainly have the grounds," replied Dave.
"Where do you think you go when you die?" asked Dave
"Chicago," said Myra.
"You mean if you're good or bad? Said Dave.
"I am going to let you manage my store in Canada," said Dave. In Canada they only have cheap hookers and hockey players."
"My mother lives in Canada," said Sam.
"What hockey team does she play on?" asked Dave.
"That's your third drink and it's only 9am," said the bartender.
"I'm sad my wife left me," said Dave.
"She left you 10 years ago," said the bartender.
"But I still miss her," answered Dave.
"Can you take a kind criticism?" Asked Dave
"Of course," replied Myra.
"You're kind of stupid," said Dave.
While on their honeymoon in Capistrano, Myra, enchanted by it all, was enthralled to see the swallows return every March 19th as they always have.
"I wonder why they do that?" she asked Dave.
"Obviously," said Dave, "So they can get their pictures in the paper every 20th of March.
"You have never heard of Martin Quinsmiller?" asked Dave.
"No," said Myra.
"Don't you read the papers," asked Dave
"Yes," she said
"Well he delivers them," said Dave.
Dave won employee of the year at his company. He received a monetary prize and even got a telegram of congratulations that read, "That a boy Dave, you've shown us what you're made of," signed the Chicago X-Ray Company
My uncle is a great artist," said Myra, "Why you can't tell his paintings from real money."
"What's for dinner," asked Dave?
"Duck soup," said Myra
"How long till it's ready," inquired Dave
"Oh it could be awhile," replied Myra, "the duck keeps drinking all the water."
Dave made a record of my favourite song. Side one was "Someone To Watch Over Me." Side two was an apology to Thomas Elva Edison.
Dave loved to tell his son Bible stories, especially the one about Noah. "Noah," he said, "took a pair of each of the animals. A pair of lions, a pair of zebras, Dolly Parton."
"I want a maid," said Myra, "Why can't we have a maid?"
"We had a maid," replied Dave.
"But how long was she with us," asked Myra
"She was never with us, she was against us from day one," said Dave.
"I'm too ugly to live," said Myra.
"Nonsense," replied Dave, "you're just too ugly to look at."