God And Such

God Visits Mark

One day God decided to visit Mark. He came down and introduced himself to me. He was pretty damn impressive, but not what I thought; for someone who once sat upon a golden throne high in the clouds, he wasn't what I expected. Oh for sure his suit was Armani, his face was freshly shaved, and no doubt he had to have spent at least one hundred dollars on his haircut. And whatever it was, God certainly didn't look his age.

"I am the Lord almighty," he said, "are you scared??" he added as an afterthought.

I didn't quite know how to answer that, I mean you want to show fear out of respect but then I never quite thought of God as being as bully. So I just smiled and I asked him how he was?

"Not well," he said, "I am so sick of the bitching he said. You wouldn't believe all the crap I have to listen to. 'Please let me pitch a no-hitter,' 'Please let me him call me again.' Well that little boy throws like a girl and I have news for that dame, he ain't ever calling her ugly ass. Then there is the lady who wants me to turn her curly brown hair, straight and blonde. 'I'll say novenas for a month" she says, 'Novenas? What the hell is that crap? Just more garbage for me to listen to."

God sat down next to me and continued, "And let's not forget all those people that don't believe in me. That hurt's my feelings. How would they like it if I said I didn't believe in them"?

"Wow," I said, I never realized God had it so rough. But then again, I bet God never had to say "Can I play too?" or "Hey guys wait up."

"I can't even remember making you," God continued, "it just figures I come all the way down to earth to meet you and I can't remember making you." He pointed at a rather unattractive woman and said "March 4, 1968, that's when I made her. Not my best work, I lost a bet."

He got up and pointed his finger to the sky and said "oops." Now I am not a theologian but whenever God says "oops" you just know it can't be a good thing.

But I decided whatever it was; it really was none of my business. So I invited God to have some Starbucks Coffee with me. But God wasn't into caffeine, so I asked him how about some decaf. "Look" said God "I'm not stupid enough to pay $2.00 for a cup of coffee." Standing there with my $4.00 latte I figured I'd just let the whole thing drop.

"I wanted to meet you Mark," said God. "I've heard good things and you seem like a good Joe, you are kind and good and taught many things to many people."

Now that was nice. It's not too many people that are endorsed by God.

"Why up on my throne in heaven I always hear people talk of you." continued God. "They always say 'Look at the character on that face.' Or is it the other way around. When you got a billion people talking to you at once it gets hard to sort things out."

Well so much for my endorsement.

"Mark," said GOD, putting his arm around me. "I've come to answer your prayer the one where you pray to find someone, anyone, to love you before you die. And the answer is NO."

God then shook my hand and went back up into the heavens.

And I'm satisfied at least when someone asks, "How come a guy like you doesn't have a boyfriend," at least now I know.

Mark's Bible

I am not overly religious. Of course, like most Americans, I believe in GOD, whenever it's convenient for me. But I like to read the Bible. It's a good story. But it's not exactly "G" rated material.

I remember a quote from the show Leave It To Beaver, Beaver says "Wow there's almost as much killing in the bible as on TV."

So that got me to thinking about my next project, I am writing my version of the Bible. Well to be honest it's just the Bible but I just took out all the sex, violence and profanity.

For instance in my Bible if you're bad you go to heck

And in my Bible there is none of the "knowing' or "begetting." In my Bible everyone is immaculately conceived.

And I took out all the violent imagery. For instance, I replaced the dragons in Revelations with mean spirited bunnies.

And the violence is eliminated or at least toned down. For example in my Bible the soldiers don't put Jesus on a cross, they just, you know, "get cross," with him

And in my Bible Samson doesn't slay Goliath but instead gives him a really good talking to.

So if you like the bible but are more or less the wholesome type, look for Mark's Bible.

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