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God


Dave was my friend and as hard as it was for him to face life, it was sometimes harder for life to face him. Even his roommate Sam moved out after only two weeks.

One night after spending the evening staring at the wall and wondering just where it all went wrong, he turned to his watch and saw it was 2am. He decided to go to bed. Just then the doorbell rang. Dave went to the door.

It was GOD who said, "Hi Is Sam here, tell him it's his old buddy GOD?" "No," Dave said, "Sam hasn't lived here in six months. And please be more careful ringing doorbells so late at night." "Sorry," said GOD.

Dave closed the door and went to bed.

Tom Thumb


Along time ago deep in the backwoods, lived a couple Dave and Myra. They lived a simple and happy existence, except for one thing and that was that they had no children. Every day Dave would go into the woods, cut the firewood, hunt for the food and come home, wondering if Myra was expecting. But alas it never came.

One day a shooting star lit up the night sky. Being so far back in the woods this star shone exceptionally bright so both Dave and Myra made a wish on it. They wanted a child.

Their wish was answered and soon they had a brand new baby boy, a handsome boy and a nearly perfect baby. They named him Tom. As the boy grew he remained beautiful and handsome, but one thing worried and puzzled them. He didn't get any bigger. By Tom's 12th birthday he was still no bigger than a thumb.

While Myra spent all day making food to feed the child, Dave spent and equal amount of time making him work out to build up his muscles. Surely this, thought the couple this will make him grow, but he did not.

On his 18th birthday he was still no bigger than a thumb. So Dave said, "Son, today you are an adult, you are handsome, educated and morally correct, and even though you are only the size of a thumb you must make your way in the world as man.

So with this, Tom shook his father's hand and kissed his mother on the cheek.

A week later Dave and Myra received a letter form Tom informing them he had a great job and was getting married and they should come to the city for the wedding.

Now this puzzled Dave and Myra, while their son was handsome and smart who'd marry anyone the size of a thumb? The next week they packed up and walked to the city. This was very exciting for the couple, not only the wedding and seeing who'd marry such a tiny person, but this was the first time Dave or Myra ever been out of the back woods.

They came to the end of the woods and saw Tom with his fiancée. She stood holding Tom's hand and looked at him with such affection and love. It was then when they looked at themselves and the boy they raised and they finally understood

Tom wasn't small. They were REALLY BIG.

The Ad


Dave was a spendthrift, much to the chagrin of his wife. While he spent thousands she saved pennies. After Dave's demise, Myra his widow, called the paper and inquired about the cost of an obituary.

It will be $10.00 a word she was told. "Ok," said Myra, publish this," "Dave Smith Dead."

"I'm sorry" said the newspaper clerk, "I should've told you there is a five word minimum."

Myra thought about it and said, "Ok, use this."

"Smith Dead, Plymouth for Sale."

The Lad, The Lion And The Liar


Once upon a time a long, long time ago, there was man, Dave was his name, he was a skinny little man with no backbone, of course he hand one literally but he was pretty much the preverbal "scaredy cat".

Dave was wondering thru the woods one day, this was before TV and people didn't have a lot to do then. Soon Dave found himself lost in the woods. He wasn't exactly afraid but he wasn't too sure of himself either.

He soon tired, you see Dave smoked and it wore his lung capacity down. Anyway the now tired Dave sat on a rock and lit a cigarette. As he took a drag of the butt, he heard a loud roar. Dave looked around and couldn't see anything. He heard another roar. It was terrifying. Now in panic mode Dave raced the wrong way and went deeper in the woods. Now in a state of panic he stopped, as the roaring was getting loader. He had been running toward it.

He stopped to catch his breath and he saw it a lion. But the lion wasn't mad or angry he was in pain. He was roaring out for someone to help him

"Why you big sissy", said Dave, looking at the paw of the lion and seeing he had a thorn in it. "Why are you making all this fuss over a thorn.

"Oh you're one to talk," said the lion, every time I roared I saw you shaking your bony little girl arms. Besides it hurts." Fortunately for the purpose of my story the lion spoke fairly good English.

"Why don't you just take thorn out of your paw," asked Dave

"You can very well see I don't have opposable thumbs," said the lion

"Oh good grief," said Dave as he walked over and pulled the thorn out.

"Roar," said the lion and he collapsed on the ground in relief his pain was over. The lion gathered up his composure and said "My name is Leo and I am so grateful if you ever need anything just ask. I always return a favour"

"That's not necessary," said Dave, "but you know, can I get it in writing?"

So the two sat down and jawed for a bit smoking some of Leo's "special" cigarettes, being King of The Jungle does have its benefits you know. And with a handshake they parted.

After a few more days of wondering around Dave found his way out of the woods, and after a few more years of living Dave found himself in trouble with the king.

Why is unimportant to the story, but let's just say the king didn't take kindly to Dave's performance and Dave found himself thrown to the lions.

Well we all can guess where this story is going right?

Dave stood in the middle of the coliseum while the lion was released, Dave stood shaking and crying unprepared to meet his maker, when he looked up and saw the hungry lion speeding toward him.

Suddenly Dave recognize this lion, this was his old pal Leo. "Leo bubby," he said. Leo, who was running full speed at his dinner Dave, recognized him too and screeched to a halt. "Dave buddy," cried Leo

The two shook hands and talked awhile about old times and what they had been doing in the intervening years.

"Well," said Leo, "it's been nice chatting with you but now I have to eat you." Dave looked astonished and said, "You can't eat me." "Sure I can," replied Leo, "You're skinny but they haven't fed me in over two weeks."

"That's not what I mean," explained Dave, "Didn't you say that because I pulled a thorn out of your paw, someday you'd do me a favour." With that Dave whipped the piece of paper he had Leo sign and showed it to him. "Is that not your signature?" Dave demanded to know.

Leo looked at the paper and said, "Damn, that Barbara Bush and her literacy campaign. If it had been four years earlier Nancy Reagan would've been in power and when he asked me to sign, I would have just said no."

"But you didn't say no," said Dave, and my favour is you do NOT eat me.

"Ok, OK," said Leo "a promise is a promise," and with that he ate Dave up.

The moral of the story is, if a big cat ever promises you something, don't believe him, because chances are he's "a lyin'."

The Collection Plate


On church Sunday Dave had the position of being in the last place in the last pew. Consequentially Dave was the last person to see the collection plate.

He awed as he took out two quarters, he marveled at all the pennies, nickels and dimes, and even the rare one dollar bills. At how the little children and the adults sacrificed to give this money, which must have amounted to almost $20.00. And how it will help the less fortunate in body and the less fortunate in soul.

And Dave was proud as he dropped two quarters in and thought, "My how the poorer heathens will be grateful."

"Rumpelstiltskin?"


Once upon a time, a long time ago, lived a very ugly lady named Myra. Myra was always crying because she wanted to marry a prince. Did you ever notice the uglier the woman the more handsome they expect the prince to be?

Anyway one day, after a bad date, Myra was crying. "He was so ugly," said the equally hideous but obviously oblivious Myra who cried so loud and hard she didn't know where she was going and soon she was walking thru the woods. "Oh why can't I get to marry a handsome prince," she wailed.

Suddenly she stopped and realized she was lost, in the woods, at night. She stopped by a nearby stoop and sat down when suddenly out popped a funny little green man. "Oh no," cried Myra "don't rape me."

"Oh please," said the "funny looking little green man", "who'd wanna rape you anyway, not even one of us guys."

"Then what do you want, you funny looking little green man, " said Myra sharply.

"Well I may be a funny looking and a little green man," he said, "but I am also a magical funny looking little green man, and I have come to grant you your wish."

"You mean you can arrange it so I can marry a prince?" Asked Myra.

"Yes I can," he replied

"Oh bless you," said Myra, "I'd hug you if you weren't green and you know, funny looking.

"Now wait just one minute," interrupted the "funny looking little green man", "there is a condition. If you marry the prince thru my help, you have to give me your first born child."

Myra was taken aback she looked at the "funny looking little green man" and said, "Well that sounds fair." And they shook hands and made a deal.

Three months later, yeah, it took Myra a long time to find her way out of the woods. The "funny looking little green man" could produce a prince but was lousy at directions. As soon as she stepped out of the woods she was spotted by the prince, who swept her up onto his horse, and the two were soon married.

Sure enough nine months and one day to the minute a baby was born to Myra. Thus proving Myra was not only ugly but a proper girl too. It was an absolutely breathtakingly beautiful baby boy. Myra fell madly in love with her handsome young son. Weeks passed and people from all over the kingdom paid seven sheckles a piece just to look at the baby. Everyone love him, after all he was handsome.

Then one especially bright and shiny June day Myra was out walking the baby in the stroller when she passed a rock, and as you might have guessed, out popped the "funny looking little green man".

"Hi," he said.

"Oh no, help, don't rape me," said Myra

"Good grief, not this again," he said. "Can't you get it through your ugly head, ain't no one gonna rape you ever?"

"Well what do you want, you funny looking little green man," said Myra curtly.

"I'm here for the baby," he said.

Myra then remembered her promise. "No you can't have him."

"I don't see how you can stop me," said the "funny looking little green man".

"It's not fair," she yelped, "what will you do with him?"

"What do you think I'm gonna do to him," he said, "I'm gonna take him and make a "funny looking little green man" out of him."

Not only was Myra angered at losing her child but the irony of taking her beautiful baby boy and making him into something hideous was too much. And she began to weep, and weep and weep and weep.

"Ok, Ok," said the "funny looking little green man", "I'll give you another chance. If you can tell me my name, I'll let you keep the child."

"You mean all I have to do is guess your name, and I can keep this child and all of my future children forever, for keeps."

"Yes," he said

"Myra looked at this hideous "funny looking little green man" and said, "Well that seems fair. Is your name Pete?"

"No," he said

"Darn it," replied Myra, "I thought for sure it'd be Pete. How about Dave?"

"No," he said "Are you sure it's not, 'cause you look like a Dave."

The little man shook his head no. Myra continued to rattle off men's names and when she ran out then she rattled out women's names. About to give up in despair, she looked at her sweet child then looked at the "funny looking little green man" and had a wonderful idea it had to be so. She said, "It wouldn't be Euripides, would it?"

The "funny looking little green man" face fell he stood aback and said "Oh good GOD, no, who'd give a child a stupid name like Euripides.

"Hey I was gonna call him 'Rip'," said Myra.

"Ok you're time is up, you lose, hand over the child," said the "funny looking little green man" to Myra. Myra cried a tear and handed the child over.

"Just out of curiosity what IS your name?" Asked Myra.

The "funny looking little green man" lowered his head a bit and replied. "How would I know? That's why I was asking you."

And then a flash came to Myra she saw he was a bit upset and made a counter offer, "Hey if I could tell you how to find out your name, would you give me back the child."

The "funny looking little green man" looked at the child and scratched his funny looking green head and said "Well that seems fair." And he returned the child.

Myra said "Go home and get a mailbox and eventually someone will send you a letter.

So all was fine, the prince, Myra, her child Euripides and the "funny looking little green man", who ran home got a government approved mailbox and waited, and waited for 3 years till the flag on his mailbox was up.

He ran to the mailbox took out the letter and held it to the light and read his name, "Rumpelstiltskin?"

The Poet


Dave is a poet. He makes a good living, inspires people and all rank of society and the book world considers him an asset.

Every Christmas he goes home with gifts for his parents whereas his mother relents, the world sure lost a good butcher.

The Sellout


Dave worked the night shift at a hotel where the managers get bonuses if you sell out. The hotel didn't sell out, now Dave had some explaining to do.

"Why didn't you sell out?" said the Myra, the reservations manager to Dave

"Well I tried to?" Dave started to explain, "There were five people in line for the last room."

"Now wait a minute," continued the Myra, "There were five people, only one room left and you still didn't sell out last night."

"Yes," but it wasn't my fault" said Dave. "The first woman in line was a real pretty woman, a little wisp of a thing, with a cute southern accent. She said she was from Georgia. She also asked me if the dress she had on would be OK for a small informal wedding. I said it looked fine and she said 'Sho' 'nuff'." Well I looked back at her and said "Honey if it showed anymore I couldn't rent you this room. After all we are a family type of hotel. Anyway like I said there were four people in line."

"Four people," interrupted the Myra. I thought you said there were five people in line?"

"Yeah there were but for some reason she got out of line and went outside. Anyhow there were four people in line and I told him about my uncle Roy, you know the one who lost his glasses and had to see a podiatrist."

"You mean a ophthalmologist," said the Myra, "A podiatrist treats feet."

"I know," said Dave, "My uncle lost his glasses couldn't find his car and had to walk home. It was miles and it made his feet hurt. Anyway as I was saying there were three people in line."

"Three people?" Questioned the Myra.

"Yes," replied Dave, "for some reason he got out of line and went outside too. So as I was starting to check in the next person, He was looking kind of sad, so I asked him what's the matter. He said that he was in town to bury a friend. So I told him, if he was a real friend he would thought of something nicer than that do with him."

"OK so he got out of line and there were two people left," said the Myra.

"That's right," replied Dave, did I tell you this story before?

"No, just a guess," said the Myra.

"Well I started to check the next person in, when he asked me if it was always this crowded in the hotel. I told him yes, but it didn't bother me since, I lived in a two-bedroom house with my mother, father, granddaddy and some lady I don't know.

"A women lives in your house and you don't know her?" Asked the Myra

"Oh yes," said Dave, she just walks around and does whatever she pleases. You see several years ago I walked by a church and they were holding a raffle for an old lady and I won.

"OK," said the Myra, "I guess that person got out of line and went outside too."

"Correct," said Dave.

"So why didn't you sell the last room to that last person in line," said Myra getting frustrated.

"Well by the time I got back he was gone," answered Dave.

"Gone?" said the Myra, "Where did you go?"

"I went out side," said Dave "I wanted to see what the big attraction out there was."

"And you know what," continued Dave, "it's a good thing I didn't sell that last room to that last man. Because when I was out there I heard those people talking and they said there was some crazy man at the front desk."

Attractive People


Dave was an attractive man who married a very homely looking woman. She had little education, no money and a very mean disposition. In short she wasn't much. But every time company came over Dave ran over and kissed her and hugged her and showed her a lot of attention.

Yes, whenever company came over he showed her love.

Well someone had to hold her; she hated him.

The Cat



Ever nudge a cat in a deep sleep and it fails to move. Cats being nervous creatures must really love and trust someone to sleep this deep. Supposing instead of nudging kitty you were to cut off her tail. I guess there's more than one way to skin a cat, but their ain't no way to do it so the cat is gonna like it

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